The first time I ever held you, ’twas impossible to tell,
That I was cradling in my arms, a nocturnal sleeper cell.
In hindsight, there were big red flags, all of which were missed,
And now my world is hostage, to a night-time terrorist.
For 9 whole months, everyone we met (even strangers) gave us warning,
But we couldn’t decode their intel, since it was scrambled up in yawning.
So, welcome to our way of life, sweet sleep extortionist,
We’ll be happy with 5 hours. Please, night-time terrorist.
Alas, you wake us every half-hour, it’s an incessant, ironic nightmare,
Pretty impressive for someone so small, to have mastered trench warfare.
With a thousand yards in front of us, we stare at the midnight abyss,
And beg the lord and you, for mercy, oh night-time terrorist.
We’ve read a hundred books and blogs, over the past few weeks,
Ferber, Freud, Skinner and Spock, we’ve tried all their techniques.
Yet, no matter what we do, my love, why must you persist?
And hold our nights to ransom, my night-time terrorist.
On that very uncommon occasion, when you went down in one,
And all the planets were aligned, we tried to have some fun.
Yes, Mum and Dad attempted, a quick and quiet tryst,
Which ended faster than it began, you toe-grabbing terrorist.
Negotiations are futile, so sanctions are being imposed,
Off you go, to your own room. The dictator has been deposed!
This is tougher on us, than it is for you, but we must insist,
Don’t worry, we’ll monitor your every move, night-time terrorist.
Then, out of the blue, for 2 weeks straight, you’ve slept till 6 o’clock,
Your reign of terror is over. Oh, no! You’ve learned to walk.
Please little one, we’re begging, just let us coexist.
No chance, infidels! Laughs the night-time terrorist.
Now you’re hijacking our bed, and unleashing a violent campaign,
All through the night, you attack us. Will we ever sleep again?
We’ve tried to deport you, back to your room, but you’re a recidivist,
Oh, please stop terrifying us, you night-time terrorist.
Mum and Dad are exhausted, so it’s time for drastic action.
We’re spending a small nations wealth on weapons of mass distraction.
But you don’t want to share our bed, you’re a mini narcissist,
And we just wasted all out money, battling the night-time terrorist.
Ever since the moment, we cut your umbilical cord,
We’ve been living with a tiny, pathological warlord.
We have no fight left in us. We’re far too tired to resist.
We’ll convert, our bed is yours. Night-night, night-terrorist.
So, that’s it. My first ever picture book. The perfect gift to give to first-time parents.
Personally, I think it’s a little dark, a lot of fun and quite quirky and clever. But I would say that.
Of all the publishers I’ve reached out to, 8/10 agree with the above belief, but none of them will dare publish anything that has the word ‘terrorist’ in the title. So, here I am, going down the self-publishing route.
Wouldn’t it be fantastic to walk in to your local book store and hear a kid ask ‘Dad, whats a tewwowist?’.
Your backing will let me throw this under the eyes of an experienced editor and have it tweaked to perfection. It will also allow me to have the book fully illustrated from cover to cover and printed as i) a digital copy, ii) paperback and iii) hardback. 500 physical copies in total. Most importantly, you’re funding helps prove to publishers that the world is ready to have fun with words without offending people and helps me set up a website where I can sell more ridiculously random books for audiences of all ages.
So, about me… I’m Lindsay, 39-years-old, Scottish but living in Singapore and about to move to Australia. Despite the pretty and flowery name, I’m a guy. I’m an ex-cop who became a TV producer who became unemployed and a wannabe children’s book author. I have a wife named Nat (she’s awesome), a Golden Retriever called Gordon (he’s a hypochondriac) and my very own little terrorist, Ivy.
Thank you for reading this far.
:)
If demand becomes overwhelming (which I sincerely hope), then that may add to a delay in delivery of your book. If this happens (or looks likely to) I’ll communicate with everyone way beforehand so there’s no cause for concern or confusion.