I still don’t feel “normal”. I am learning to not tear myself apart, to accept the past as part of my future. Writing is recovery.
About this project
I know an old friend from high school that has successfully completed an e-book. I say successfully because it’s an accomplishment, however possible for almost anyone to do. I have always had a mind for writing but in the form of fiction. In the past, I always wanted to live another life, so why not make one up and write about it. I’ve come a long way since my past. Now I live my life instead of dreaming about living another. It only took divorce propel me forward. One good, ugly, mean divorce.
It’s been a busy life. I have owned a business, raised children and writing just never happened. Last year I started classes to work toward my Associates in General Studies. I am a licensed cosmetologist however, I felt I needed to advance my resume for a more secure job in the future. So, I added more to my plate after my divorce and life seemed to get crazier. I thought it would be easier since I was divorced from the man I who used to hurt me, belittle me and was slowly killing me because, it was my life now. No matter how chaotic, it was better.
In the chaos of work, kids and school for them and myself, I still had to deal with my ex-husband. We had kids together but dealing with him wasn’t because of them. It was his need to keep control over me. To continue to hurt me, physically and emotionally. He went downhill and his life spiraled out of control and he wanted to take me with him. A restraining order didn’t help and somehow, he walked on the line of trouble but never quite stepped over it enough to be caught or punished.
Do you know how many women stay in abusive relationships because of fear of leaving? The number of women who can’t leave due to financial reasons? The cost of living has skyrocketed and a women with children securing a place on a single income is extremely difficult if not impossible. Do you know how many spouses receive a light punishment for abuse, in the judicial system? Counseling or classes to manage their “bad” behavioral issues. Escaping a home of abuse is not as easy as many think. I’ve heard a lot of people claim that they would never allow or tolerate being treated or hurt by their partner. Such an easy thing to say and yet abuse happens every day, every where and in every socioeconomic level.
Forward to almost two years later, I am with an amazing man and all I do is worry about ruining our relationship. I watch for every clue, I worry I’ll speak up too much, I feel less than myself constantly and even his phenomenal support doesn’t change my feelings, my emotions and my concerns. Its me. I forgot how to love and appreciate myself first.
I’ve spent countless nights with quotes and self-help information. I’ve tried to forget my feeling of hate but I haven’t mended. I am still on my journey to be whole again. I have encountered many feelings, met many people and heard so many stories and words of support but no, I just can’t shake this feeling like it is just a bad day. I need to feel every bit of anger, hatred and disgust. I need to hurt and cry and blame. Then I will forgive and maybe, just maybe I will forget and it won’t be a part of my life anymore.
There is so much depth and lack of understanding in abusive relationships. I was considered outgoing, strong, outspoken and smart. How does a girl like that end up in this type of relationship? Connect the dots that I am actively connecting each and every day, with me.
I am seeking help to finish the healing and in the process of recovering, I hope to help others.. Writing is recovery.
Risks and challenges
Time is my biggest concern. I know I can accomplish my task but I don’t have as much time to complete my project as quickly as I would like because I work, attend the local college and have kids to care for even though they aren’t small anymore.
I am already working toward working in marketing or business field. I would leave my part time job while finishing school so that I could finish writing.