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Feb 5, 2016 10:59 EST

Countless Thousands’ Epic New Nerd Punk Release! – (At Least) Five New Recordings! Exclusive shirts & posters! A slightly NSFW title! Help your fellow nerds make an awesome record!

iCrowdNewswire - Feb 5, 2016

You are a hero just for reading this. Easiest heroics of your whole life? You bet.

Thanks for even making it this far in.
Thanks for even making it this far in.

So then. Countless Thousands has been making music for over ten years. “But guys!” you say, rather interruptingly, “you’ve only put out one album! What gives?” Well, that badass album, “We’re Just Really Excited To Be Here”, cost us almost $10,000. Since then, Jonny quit his job to pursue music and music production full time. And despite Light’s insanely lucrative Starbucks career and – no joke – Davey’s biweekly sale of his own blood plasma, we just don’t have the income to cover a proper physical release. But! Jonny is getting really goddamned great at production and Danger is getting pretty good at directing music videos so we’re going to be putting out new stuff regardless of Capitol Records’ continued refusal to make our lives insane hyper-success dreamscapades. So rather than cut a check up front and hope we sell enough to eventually recoup expenses, Kickstarter lets us bring our goodies straight to the people who would appreciate them the most. Consider this your formal invitation to the fiscal life of the independent musician:

1000 CDs ordered from Discmakers – $1200
100 shirts from our swanky connections – $300
1000 stickers – $150
100 keychains – $150
Shipping the rewards –$200
Kickstarter fees (8%) – $160 
Audio Mastering – $500

Maybe we undershot our goal a bit, but either way, every penny we’re earning from this terrifying campaign will go to the production of Countless Thousands goodies. Chief among them is going to be the production of our epic new release, “You’re Goddamn Right”.

Yes, you!
Yes, you!

How awesome does that sound? We’re probably going to title all our releases with positive mantras. Here’s what we have prepared:

1) Gang Fight (remastered)
You know it, you love it. It’s maybe our best tune. Well, guess what – Danger got a spiffy new Duesenberg guitar and it sounds so much goddamn better than the Gibson we originally recorded that we’re taking another pass at the recording, which will sound even bigger.

2) We’ve Got a Dress Code
If you’ve seen us live, you know this one. It’s Jonny’s favorite song of ours and it kicks ass, certainly the most punk rock we’ve got. Which is great because the song is about punk rock and inclusivity. One time a punk kid tried to tell us that our punk song about how people don’t get to define what punk means to us wasn’t actually punk rock, and then he was sucked into some kind of vortex and we didn’t help him.

3) Excellent Horse-Like Lady (USA Version)
This song will absolutely increase your labor speed. Also we might put Hyon-Sung Wol’s original song as a hidden track on the EP because we do not give a hooey about North Korean copyright law. 
4) the Asskickers’ Union
We’ve been hearing that this is one of our best since its original acoustic version appeared on our first album. Truth is Danger wrote that song like two weeks before we went in to record and we put that on there because we had a little extra time in the studio. Small miracles, right? Well, we have a full band version that we play live and Jonny engineered that version to sound huge and badass and we all love it and we made a goddamn groundbreaking video to that song. So here we are.
5) Only Child
This is the one song we haven’t actually produced yet, so we’ll do a video diary of its recording so you can have an idea of exactly what it’s like to produce music. Plus this might be Danger’s angriest song, so we can crack into the story a little bit if he’s not feeling too emotionally vulnerable. But he always is. He’s a weenie.

We might put more on there – hell, we probably will. But there you go. So then, let’s talk about rewards. 

Look, we’ve supported a bunch of Kickstarter campaigns. ‘Tis the way of the world now. Some of them turn out awesome (the Pixelstick was a Kickstarter!) and some of them turn into complete quagmires (and these  things are reviewed by Kickstarter staff so i can’t point fingers). We wanted to do a campaign with rewards that we would genuinely enjoy getting if one of the weird bands that we were into did some crowdfunding (Sidenote: everything $10 and up gets you a physical copy of the EP). So let’s break each individual goody down a bit.

  • $5 – the Nibble: To spur on the well-wishers, casual fans and impoverished Dickensian orphans in our fanbase, kicking in five bucks gets you a digital download of the EP and a nifty sticker that will be mailed to your own front door.
  • $10 – the Dollop: At ten bucks we’ll send you a physical copy of the EP with a personalized thank-you card. Jonny and Danger love giving each other holiday and birthday cards that have been sharpied over with horrific images, and as long as everybody agrees that a stick figure corpse isn’t some kinda PTSD trigger, we will enjoy making each one just for you.
    Also includes the Nibble.
  • $15 – the Call to Arms: Danger and Jonny will record a video shout out just for you to be put on our YouTube channel. Basically, you’re getting a hyperbolic compliment from two scotch-soaked nerds and we’ll probably make a YouTube playlist so you can watch us get progressively slurrier. Our only concern is that we might get lost in the booze and end up repeating ourselves.
    Also includes the Nibble and the Dollop.
  • $20 – the Badge of Honor: Light’s friend Ryan makes some badass stuff with lasers and wood and we’re gonna get us a pile of custom keychains so that every time you reach for your keys you have that shimmery feeling of Thousandy love.
    Also includes the Nibble, the Dollop and the Call to Arms.
  • $30 – the Loin-Girder’s Delight: Our total bros over at Trash Panda Clothing offered to make a fancy Kickstarter-Exclusive shirt for our backers, and we shall bless each of them with a silent prayer so your deeds within them shall be righteous and rife with glory. And soft! We want them to be so soft. We’ll also put your name right there on the inside cover of the EP so all shall know that you helped make this whole thing happen. Hero.
    Also includes the Nibble, the Dollop, the Call to Arms and the Badge of Honor.
  • $40 – the Also-Staring Abyss: A fancy poster of us lads for your private domain to do with what you shall. What thoughts shall entertain you while gazing upon us? We won’t presume. Also at this level we’ll sign the CDs! Very personal.
    Also includes the Nibble, the Dollop, the Call to Arms, the Badge of Honor and the Loin-Girder’s Delight. 
  • $50 – the Premium Acquaintance Package: You and Danger will defuse bombs in the awesome game “Keep Talking and Nobody Explodes.” All you need is a PDF file and a cell phone or a Skype connection, and you’ll tell Danger which wires to cut. It’s rad and being in separate places actually makes it harder and even more awesome.
    Also includes the Nibble, the Dollop, the Call to Arms, the Badge of Honor, the Loin-Girder’s Delight and the Also-Staring Abyss.
  • $75 – the Glimmer of Hope: For this level we open our Pixelstick process to you for a custom 5-second video or gif. Want to make a grand gesture of love to plug into Facebook or one of those fancy electronic picture frames? Or a logo for your band or business? Bring it on. We will go out into the cold and make magic for you.
    Also includes the Nibble, the Dollop, the Call to Arms, the Badge of Honor, the Loin-Girder’s Delight and the Also-Staring Abyss.
  • $100 – the Harry and David: So we all understand that Danger is a complete dweeb with like no social skills. But the upside to that is that occasionally he gets really good at something, and recently that thing has been baking pretzels from scratch. Here we offer you pretzels, as many as we can manage, made with love in Danger’s kitchen and mailed to your door.
    Also includes the Nibble, the Dollop, the Call to Arms, the Badge of Honor, the Loin-Girder’s Delight and the Also-Staring Abyss. 
  • $150 – the Merry Minstrel: Pick a song and Danger will make a Thousandy acoustic arrangement just for you. He can beg you up and down not to make him do something by System of a Down, although, admittedly, sometimes such things create magic.
    Also includes the Nibble, the Dollop, the Call to Arms, the Badge of Honor, the Loin-Girder’s Delight and the Also-Staring Abyss and…
    Your choice of the Premium Acquaintance Package, the Glimmer of Hope or the Harry and David.
  • $200 – the Lifetime Membership: Now we seek the things beyond the here and now. For this incredibly awesome donation, you get a  physical copy of everything we ever do, ever. We’ll send you everything we make from here until Capitol Records finally make our livesinsane hyper-success dreamscapades. And! We will do everything we can to get you on whatever guest list we’re offered. Let us know you’re coming and we’ll do what we can. Our significant others can’t make it to all our shows, so their occasional disinterest is your gain. 
    Also includes the Nibble, the Dollop, the Call to Arms, the Badge of Honor, the Loin-Girder’s Delight and the Also-Staring Abyss and… Your choice of the Premium Acquaintance Package, the Glimmer of Hope or the Harry and David.
  • $250 – the Reason We’re All Aroused: Here’s where things get personal. You get to pick the Thousand of your choice – which should totally be Davey – and go out to play minigolf and grab some In & Out. Danger will don a bowtie and a hat and act as chauffeur and generally try to stay out of your way. This needs to happen in Los Angeles county and we beg you to not be creepy. Also, Davey will handwrite the Thousands bassline of your choice on handsome music sheets. Frame it and see if your dreams get any sexier from there on.
     Also includes the Nibble, the Dollop, the Call to Arms, the Badge of Honor, the Loin-Girder’s Delight, the Also-Staring Abyss, the Lifetime Membership and…
    Your choice of the Premium Acquaintance Package, the Glimmer of Hope, the Harry and David or the Merry Minstrel. 
Oh yeah. We get it.
Oh yeah. We get it.
 
  • $300 – the Thirst for Knowledge: Davey will give you a 45 minute bass (or guitar, or music) lesson so that you may finally harness the lower frequencies of this universe without GOING MAD IN THE ATTEMPT TO HARNESS THE POWER OF CREATION. He’s done it. Want to know how? Or just get better at bass? Do this thing. We were going to call it the ‘Belloq Special‘ but maybe not everybody knows that reference.*
    *Subject to limits of creepiness and a 50 Mile radius from Los Angeles.
    Also includes the Nibble, the Dollop, the Call to Arms, the Badge of Honor, the Loin-Girder’s Delight, the Also-Staring Abyss, the Lifetime Membership and…
    Your choice of the Premium Acquaintance Package, the Glimmer of Hope, the Harry and David or the Merry Minstrel.
  • $500 – the Free Bird: Put Countless Thousands and Jonny’s engineering prowess to your own ends with the cover song of your choice. What’ll it be? What beautiful, non-System of a Down song deserves the Thousands treatment?
    Also includes the Nibble, the Dollop, the Call to Arms, the Badge of Honor, the Loin-Girder’s Delight, the Also-Staring Abyss, the Lifetime Membership and…
    Your choice of the Premium Acquaintance Package, the Glimmer of Hope, the Harry and David or the Merry Minstrel.
  • $500 – the Brave Sir Robin: Or perhaps you’d like to put something new out into the world, eh? We’ll write a song about you or whoever you want or whatever you want or whatever and any way you slice it we’ll make it rad because that is what we do.
    Also includes the Nibble, the Dollop, the Call to Arms, the Badge of Honor, the Loin-Girder’s Delight, the Also-Staring Abyss, the Lifetime Membership and…
    Your choice of the Premium Acquaintance Package, the Glimmer of Hope, the Harry and David or the Merry Minstrel.
  • $850 – the Armory: Danger has an Epiphone AJ15E NA Acoustic Guitar that he was given instead of getting paid for a thing like five years ago. It’s been in the front room of his apartment since then and he used it to write “Only Child”, “Excellent Horse-Like Lady (USA Version)”, “Thanks for the Cockfosters” and a bunch more. That worth anything to you? We certainly hope so!
    Also includes the Nibble, the Dollop, the Call to Arms, the Badge of Honor, the Loin-Girder’s Delight, the Also-Staring Abyss, the Lifetime Membership and…
    Your choice of the Premium Acquaintance Package, the Glimmer of Hope, the Harry and David or the Merry Minstrel.
  • $2500 – the Cause For Concern: How much do you love “Gang Fight”? Or basically all of “We’re Just Really Excited to Be Here”? We’re offering the Satin Finish Gibson ES-335 on which Danger wrote pretty much everything he’s played for the past seven years. Snap it up and you could pay for the whole damn release yourself, you superstar.
    Also includes the Nibble, the Dollop, the Call to Arms, the Badge of Honor, the Loin-Girder’s Delight, the Also-Staring Abyss, the Lifetime Membership and…
    Your choice of the Premium Acquaintance Package, the Glimmer of Hope, the Harry and David or the Merry Minstrel. 
Pretty sweet.
Pretty sweet.
 
  • $3500 – the Chariot: This admittedly is pretty weird, but we cleared it with the Kickstarter people. So! Danger’s car is a 2005 Pontiac Vibe with 190K miles, a check engine light that won’t go off, new(ish) tires, and registration paid through September. Every show we’ve ever played, every tour we did, everything, has been out of this car. It’s in great condition and should give you a few more years. And more to the point, the Thousands will all sign the dashboard and load it full of our favorite CDs so you also get a giant pile of new music. We should admit that nobody ever had sex in this car, and we don’t know if that helps or hurts things.
    Also includes the Nibble, the Dollop, the Call to Arms, the Badge of Honor, the Loin-Girder’s Delight, the Also-Staring Abyss, the Lifetime Membership and…
    Your choice of the Premium Acquaintance Package, the Glimmer of Hope, the Harry and David or the Merry Minstrel.
Apparently we have no pictures of Danger's car except this one. But we're on tour!
Apparently we have no pictures of Danger’s car except this one. But we’re on tour!
  • $9,500 – the Restraining Order: Who even has this much money to spend on a band? Hell, hopefully you do. You’ll get the guitar that changed everything for Danger, the Duesenberg 49er. It’s flawless. Don’t get us wrong, he will need to immediately buy another of the exact same instrument, but you will get the honor of owning the guitar we used to record this EP. Oh, and Danger will get your name tattooed on his bod, bonding you to Countless Thousands for LIFE. Somebody smart said, “No fakeouts for comedy”, so let’s keep it honest. Have any other ideas of how we could make this worthwhile for you? By golly, you let us know.
    Also includes the Nibble, the Dollop, the Call to Arms, the Badge of Honor, the Loin-Girder’s Delight, the Also-Staring Abyss, the Lifetime Membership and…
    Your choice of the Premium Acquaintance Package, the Glimmer of Hope, the Harry and David or the Merry Minstrel and…
    Your choice of the Reason We’re All Aroused, the Thirst for Knowledge, the Free Bird or the Brave Sir Robin.
This image provided for you without comment.
This image provided for you without comment.
 

Boy, that’s a lot of information. Thanks for sticking with us this far. We should mention that any surplus we might hopefully hopefully hopefully earn would be going to future EPs (probable follow up? “…And Don’t You Forget It”), music video permits (anywhere from $500 – $1000 a day), and other new Thousands goodies. We are admittedly quivering in our boots doing this whole thing, but as Bill Paxton says in Edge of Tomorrow, “There is no courage without fear.” Darn right. This is a big leap, but we’re confident. So thank you, really and truly – thank you, dear Enthusiast, for supporting this odd bunch of artists. We’re stoked that anybody cares at all about what we do, and the run up to this cliff has been a real nailbiter. Let’s hope these wings work out, eh?
Love,
-Danger, Jonny, Davey & Light
Countless Thousands

mmmmmwah!
mmmmmwah!
Contact Information:

Danger Van Gorder

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